You know you’re in a relationship when you sort out your relationship problems together. Or on talkback radio, whatever. One month after the end.
---"So me and the boyfriend were out last night, and he got a bit angry with me."
"Penn, I have known you for years and there are a multitude of things you do that make me angry. Could you be slightly more specific?"
"Well, we get quite a sizable salary here at Camelot don't we?"
"Yeah, I'm still waiting for the day someone in accounting realizes they are making a horrible mistake paying us to sit around and insult each other."
"...Anyway, the point is that I um, earn a bit more than him, what with the boyfriend working in a shop part time and being a student and all."
"I'm sensing this story isn't going to end well for you."
"See, Drivethru fans, I like the boyfriend—"
"Really! Why, I hadn't noticed that at all. It's not like three months of the show were dedicated to BG or anything."
"I like the boyfriend, so I like to take him to places and then I like to pay for it because I don't want him to be paying for things on top of his rent and bills and things because I have the means to do so. Now I ask you, that's not bad right? Wouldn't you appreciate that?"
"Let's find out shall we? Well we've got some callers on the line, what do you think Galahad?"
"Mate, free stuff is awesome! What on earth is wrong with this guy?"
"See! See, that's exactly my point, thank you Galahad."
"What about you Aurelia?"
"Sounds a bit dodgy Penn, I mean, I was only with guys like that for the free stuff, you know? I didn't bother with much else from them. Are you having problems keeping your man interested or something?"
"What? No! But on that note, what makes a good apology present Aurelia? Do you know?"
"Um, lots of chocolate. And maybe a trip to Hawaii?"
"Hawaii? Well, I guess I could do that."
"Before you book the tickets Penn, I've taken the liberty of calling up BG in case you are blowing the situation out of proportion as you are wont to do. Also I am muting your microphone because I don't like your lies."
"Are you there BG?"
"...Hello? Hi Dusty. I'm actually in the middle of a tea break at work, so..."
"Is that the radio? Is it? Hello from Lady of the Lake! Come on down and buy things from BG!"
"That's my boss, riding my arse. Oh! Can I say that on radio?"
"Our censors are giving me the thumbs up, so I suppose they're making an exception for you."
"Oh. Well. Thank you censors?"
"Anyway, Penn tells us you're angry with him because he pays for you and you don't appreciate it. There was something or other about making more money than you which gave him the incentive to do it. What say you to that?"
"Um well, I don't really care about who pays for what really, but he's pretty dodgy about it."
"Well, he used to tell me he was going to the loo or something and then go to pay the bill instead? And when I cottoned on to it, he started pre-paying? Even when I tell him not to, or when we decide to go dutch beforehand, he ignores it and does it anyway? I don't think I'd mind it as much, only it's happened every time."
"I think he might be a re-incarnation of the Old Witch from Hansel and Gretel. I suspect he's trying to fatten me up and then eat me. Or in that weird mind of his what he's doing is meant to impress me or something, which just baffles me really. In any case, he's not being very clever about it."
"That's definitely one thing we've never accused him of being. So his spending habits aren't a deal breaker BG?"
"Well, you know. I paid for myself before he came along and I'll pay for myself after he's gone. Um, I guess."
"Mer— BG? Can you grab those fitted slacks in blue and that new heather gray sweater train and come here please? Oh! And get my camera!"
"Um, that's my break over I think. See you Dusty!"
"Nice talk BG, see you soon. Now I wonder if Penn will be able to behave when I unmute his—"
"—What the bloody hell does he mean, 'after I've gone'?!"
"That's what you've chosen to take away from that conversation? Honestly Penn!"
"I still don't think I'm doing anything wrong."
"Can you stop frantically messaging your boyfriend begging him not to dump you? We're at work you know, that's unprofessional. Hello Delia, you've something you'd like to say?"
"Hi guys, just wanted to call up and first off, say good on you Bar Guy! And secondly, Penn, this one's a keeper, so try not to stuff it up."
"I second that motion, Penn. Try not to stuff it up now, I really quite like BG."
"Why do I get the feeling that you would leave me for him if we were to break up?"
"Probably because I would."
"...Well. Good thing I'm not making you lot choose then."
"How magnanimous, you complete sap. I need to play a song now before I'm overcome with my emotions and try to hug you or something."
"I'll give your face a hug!"
"I don't think that is actually as insulting as you seem to think it is."